The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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