Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You ruined the universe
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
