Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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