In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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