After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize