You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
