if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
