his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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