I cockslap morals
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
