The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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