It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
