Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
one might say we're banned from that church
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
