Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
