He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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