In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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