i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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