Moan for me like Helen Keller
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize