I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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