Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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