I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
