the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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