dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
