She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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