Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize