I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
