Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Don't make out with my wife yet
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
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