I wanna bring you to show and tell
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
