One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
