I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
