kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
