When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
