Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
