Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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