The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
There's even glitter on my cock...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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