I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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