I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
