I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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