The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
