fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
