The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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