I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
you're hired as official boob wrangler
True strength comes from lack of pants
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
