The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
