I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
