It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
