Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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