The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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