Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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