my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
