I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
