just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
porn star boner night. come get it.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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