party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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