Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
