At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize