i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
