You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
