god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
