Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
