I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
