nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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