My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
