I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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