haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
