Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
