I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
did i walk over a car last night?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize