The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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