After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
