I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
